So as we were forced away from our amazing hotel and headed to the airport for our flight back to Bangkok, we found consolation in the fact that we had one more fun night in the capital ahead of us. Random fact: at the airports of Thailand Buddhist monks get VIP status. So you basically automatically have the equivalent of BA Gold status- priority lane, lounge access, even special places to sit in the waiting areas. I guess it’s one of the perks of dedicating your life to the search for nirvana.
So we were on our way to Bangkok again. Momma was looking forward to a night of shopping, while I was looking forward to a night of hanging out in the red light districts of Bangkok. I mean if there is one thing Bangkok is famous for it’s the red light districts. I had promised all my friends that I would take momma to ping pong pu*sy, a special Thai pastime where a bunch of ladies perform acrobatic tricks with a ping pong and nothing but the use of their lady parts. Apparently there is other stuff that goes up there but we won’t go into that.
I have to disappoint the readership because we decided not to go to the ping pong shows. Mainly because of the pressure from my mother who claimed there was no way in hell she would ever go, but also because once I had read and researched a bit more I found out that most of these poor ladies are actually coerced into these shows and treated really badly so obviously that’s not a business model we want to support.
After much debate my mother and I settled for going to Patpong night bazaar; a shopping market right next to the red light district. So we would (briefly) walk around the district to get a feel for it and then do some last minute shopping. Win win.
We popped by the mega mall next to our hotel for a tapioca on the way, where they had already put up all their Christmas decorations (it was end of November at the time). It’s always been weird for me to experience Christmas decorations when walking around half naked with flip flops at night and still sweating from the heat. And by the way, have you ever wondered why Santa doesn’t wear summer attire when he’s delivering presents to Asia?
Anyway the Grab car dropped us off where he felt like, and as we didn’t understand his Thai instructions we had to find our own route to walk up to Patpong market. I suggested we take a short cut; a direct street down to the market that didn’t seem too busy. Turns out there was a reason why it wasn’t so busy. It was in fact a street that only a small selection of men were walking down. And as I walked down hand in hand with my mother we soon realised why. That street was what I would describe as Thailand’s pick n mix of the finest, sexiest young ladies the country has to offer. In fact, the girls were standing lined up against the pavement on our left and right like two human chains of prostitutes surrounding us as we walked down. We were literally in a Thai prossie sandwich and there was nowhere to go but straight ahead. All dressed in different outfits to suit every possible fetish, while the men walked down playing eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Now as you can imagine, momma felt more than slightly uncomfortable and she upped her pace a little. I was actually admiring how impressive it all was; how great these girls looked and how creative the outfits were. Every bar/brothel/whatever you choose to call it had a different theme for the night; first we walked past the naughty schoolgirls, then the nurses, the cowgirls, etc. It was pervert heaven. I would say there were all different shapes and sizes but this is Thailand, so everyone is pretty much one size by our standards (including the lady boys) and that’s petite.
Momma was a woman on a mission- desperate to find the market and leave the conveyor belt of call girls behind. She found the nearest man and asked for Patpong. The man clearly didn’t understand as his reply was “Ping pong pusaaaaaaaay?”
“No! We want to go shopping. Patpong market for shopping?”
“Come with me, ping pong pusaaay”
Ok now it was getting awkward. We kept walking and luckily found someone to give us directions to the actual market which even I was a a little relieved to see.
So our journey ended with an interesting evening (!) which luckily a little retail therapy made up for, but there was one more surprise in store….
The next morning we were travelling early with BA and my membership meant we had access to the lounge. Travelling with my mum the travel facist meant we arrived way too early at the airport and so I took a nap in the lounge. As I was waking up I could’ve sworn that Mike Tyson walked right by me. I convinced myself I was still semi asleep and dreaming, but I got up and looked again and sure as hell it was Mike Tyson. Now as cool as I am 99% of the time, I don’t react well to witnessing famous people. I get waaaay too excited, freak out a little and find it very difficult to stay cool. I immediately got up and followed him and saw he had gone and sat down in the noodle bar. Having eaten nothing but Asian food for breakfast, lunch and dinner for over a week, the last thing I wanted to do (having just woken up at like 7 in the morning) was eat noodles. But I pulled up my tracksuit and trying to look as cool as I possibly could, I casually walked into that noodle bar and stood next to Mike Tyson and ordered a bowl of noodles. Obviously these noodles were for people who had just got off a flight and hadn’t had dinner and not for someone who was asleep until less than 30 seconds ago, but as I looked over nonchalantly (or so I thought) at Mike, his eyes locked with mine and he gave me the eye. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Mike Tyson gave me the eye. And that is one story I will proudly tell my grandchildren in years to come, and is totally worth having to eat a whole bowl of noodles at 7 o clock in the morning.
So our time in Thailand was over, but we had a lot of amazing memories to take with us and a lot to be grateful for on our trip to the Land of the Smiles 🙂
