So the rest of our holiday in Phuket was mainly spent lounging around in the sun and eating and drinking so I won’t bore you too much with the details. My mother in particular had acquired a strong affinity for the local cocktails. Apparently she was too afraid to drink the local water (at our luxury hotel) but she made sure she got her 2 litres a day in the form of piña coladas and G&Ts. The first time I ordered us some G&Ts at the pool I went to try some and looked over at my mother to comment how nice the gin was and she has already downed the whole glass. Apparently she was thirsty.
So we were staying in Kata Noi in Phuket but it felt a little bit like Kata Rus as it seemed like half the Russian Federation had descended onto Phuket. On the few occasions we could force ourselves to leave the hotel and see what the plebs at the bottom of the mountain were doing (mainly to visit the beach), we would find ourselves amongst hoards of these slim and sexy ladies who would set up photo sessions along the sealine to the point that you would have to dodge wannabe models to get into the sea.
Not that that was an issue for us, as I was now fully in holiday mode and that meant almost every second on the beach was spent spread eagle and semi conscious on the sand (those Russian b**ches ain’t got nothing on me). It was really really hot- that kind of hot that totally drains you of energy so you struggle to even force yourself to get up, let alone go for a swim (well I do). My dips were short and necessary – I would stay in long enough to bring my body temperate low enough to avoid me entering a full blown overheated coma but not a minute more. Swimming was never really my thing. My mum on the other hand is a fond swimmer. I say swimmer, it’s really just a much classier and more sophisticated version of a kid in the shallow end of a swimming pool. She does sometimes do a few full breaststrokes but always making sure to not get a single drop of water on her hair or face. It’s an art and it’s really funny to watch actually.
On this occasion, however, just while we were getting in to Phuket, my dad told us he had read news of a crocodile appearing on a Phuket beach and attacking the beach-goers. So here you should know two things; 1. My dad is a very paranoid, worst case scenario guy when it comes to his wife and children (if it were him he would be in the water searching for crocodiles to wrestle with), and 2. My dad’s second favourite pastime is taking the piss out of my mum (his first is taking it out of her mum). So I’m not sure if that story was exaggerated or even true but it definitely freaked my mum out.
It took her quite a long time to sum up the courage to go in the water and each time the swims would last a shorter amount of time before she would freak herself out and come running back to shore. She obviously didn’t want to let on that she was scared. She tried to convince me to go with her every time and I would question her “momma do you actually believe dad? You know there is no crocodiles in the water?! Look how many people are swimming!!”. To which she would reply “nooooooooo, don’t be silly, of course I’m not scared,” and would then go for a 10 second swim, come running back and make up some excuse how she’s just not really in the mood for a swim or there’s too many Russians around. Needless to say we didn’t see any crocodiles or any other major life threatening animals in the sea.
While in Phuket we took an island hopping boat tour which took us (amongst other things) to the Phi Phi islands. These islands are important for two reasons, one is that it’s pronounced “pee pee” which makes it really funny for those of us who have a child brain. The second reason is that these islands are the home of Maya Bay, the beach where Leonardo de Caprio was left deserted in the film “The Beach”. The point is it was all mega pretty. Judging by the amount of people who wanted to see it you would think they believe there’s a half naked Leo still out there waiting to come to the shore for a dip.
The tour itself was led by a very dynamic and smiley young lady called Latte (like the coffee). Now to me Latte was cute but verging on annoying, telling a lot of not-so-funny jokes. Meanwhile momma seemed to think that Thai Billy Connolly (insert your favourite comedian) was leading the tour. Jokes like “here is my assistant cappuccino” would be met by a fit of giggles by my mother, who by the way sometimes doesn’t even laugh at my jokes!! The assistant was in reality called Tipsy, which I thought is actually pretty funny as that name would’ve probably suited my mother better on this holiday (especially at times when she was extra ‘thirsty’)
So we got to see multiple islands and beaches, including one island full of gangsta monkeys which would try and jump on the boat to grab your mobile and belongings. Luckily they didn’t try anything with us – we may not be able to take a crocodile but we can definitely take a Thai monkey (two girls from the hood-a remember).
Maya Bay was off bounds for swimming as so many people had swam on it over the years that the famous beach had to be closed off but we did see it from the boat. The Thais did get something right though as it is the most beautiful beach of the islands (and by the way Maya even means beautiful in Thai).
So our few days in Phuket were like heaven on earth and soon it would be time to go home, but not without one final shopping spree in Bangkok…
Lol. Just lol
