So last year my mum turned the big 6-0 and I turned the not so big but equally as sexy 3-0. Almost a year ago now I promised her that for a present I would take her on a holiday (lord knows she needs it). Trying to combine my work and travel schedule with hers was a nightmare but with her 61st approaching and my tonnes of leftover holiday we decided it was now or never.

My clever and cute idea was to put the names of around 15 possible holiday destinations in a hat and have my mother pull them out. That way it would be a nice surprise for her and I could cleverly convince her to go somewhere unconventional. That was the plan. Unfortunately, my mother is a) extremely intelligent and saw past the plan straight away and b) Bosnian and used to being da boss. She basically took the hat, pulled out all the names, vetoed every single one and then announced “I want to go to Thailand”. Right then, Thailand it is (I still maintain Ethiopia and Mongolia would’ve been excellent choices).

The decision had been made, I got the tickets, and within a spectacular 24 hours, with the support of Amazon, my mother had purchased everything ever published on Thailand. The next evening I found her swimming in a sea of Lonely Planets and other related travel guides. It was preparation time. And those of you who know my mum know what that means for her. Over the next few weeks she researched the shit out of Thailand, and only once she had read about every single temple, floating market, beach, shopping area, etc. was she ready to make her long list. I, meanwhile had my short list ready already; eat copious amounts of pad thai, get massage from ladyboy, take momma to ping pong. I was ready.

The preparations intensified in the month leading up to the trip, when mama started obsessively focusing on the granular details of the trip. She would call me at work two weeks ahead of our travel date to confirm how we would be travelling to the hotel from the airport. I would meanwhile be trying to remember which country I was flying to this time.

She also instigated the vaccination process, where I had such bad repercussions after one set of vaccines that I convinced myself at one point that I had actually contracted typhoid for the weekend. I refused to have Hep B as well, and was told by the nurse this meant I mustn’t get jiggy with any of the local talent while out there. I’m guessing that includes lady boys? Missed opportunity.

Around about this period is when my mum revealed to me she had chosen our hotel for Bangkok and it is the same hotel as appears in the Hangover movie. She also let me know that she packed her high heels…Maybe that Hep B wasn’t such a bad idea after all….

The final preparations were wrapped up when my mum just “popped over” to Boots to pick up some things and came back with a tonne of stuff, including literally a bagful of diarrhoea medicine. If the whole of Thailand got the shits in an emergency epidemic of explosive diarrhoea we had enough medication to heal them all.

So we were off. Starting our holiday with a bang we hit the perfume section hard and then the business lounge. BA seems to think if they give you small plates to use at the buffet they restrain the amount you eat. But BA clearly doesn’t know who they’re dealing with. As I shamelessly filled up one plate after another momma went straight for the wine section. Yes folks it’s officially begun- girls on tour in Thailand – bring it on!